connexion: the selector

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Nine

Grazing Horses, Eric Kruszewski, Date Unknown; Mongolia

There are things I know about my heart that are so strong, so violent,

they make me wrap my fingers around it so tightly to protect everyone else,

they make me anxious and afraid,

they are difficult and forceful like wind that just gets away from you

and pulls your hair around your face so that you have to spit
and stick your tongue out wide just to get straight again.

But recently, out of mercy, I’ve decided this is just how it is,

I am forceful and sometimes confused,

Maybe this is just how it is.

But,

but.

I want so badly to be gentle and fine.

I want to touch and smooth your frayed edges,
I want to soothe the knitting in your brow and tell you it’s ok,

I’m a good girl,

you can trust me.

It’s just that sometimes my fingers open up from the force of the tornado spinning up through my heart,

and though it will cause everything in its path to whip around your face and heart,

and it may leave marks,

I have a soft tongue and warm arms,

and I’ll always try hard to soothe the burns and scratches,

and I’ll hold you close until we’re both breathing easy again.

I’m a good girl, you can trust me.

(Happiest birthday, Neko Case, I love you. You make my life better because you can say the things I often don’t know how to say in the most beautiful way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.)

Download: Neko Case - This Tornado Loves You, The Next Time You Say Forever, Middle Cyclone
Buy the Album: Neko Case - Middle Cyclone

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Eight

Morbid Anatomy

I,

I - oh,
oh god.

Дмитрий Дмитриевич Шостакович.

I can’t explain what my obsession has grown to, I just,

I can’t.

But I can tell you that the thing that hit me immediately when I first heard him, and how it feels still as I listen to his music,

his music always makes me think of people’s insides.

The bloody nerve endings right below the surface,

whole cities of highways - blood and electricity,

cells building up and over each other,

messages and fluid traveling back and forth.

When I listen to him I think about slipping my fingers under skin so I can understand better,

touching gently (even though it might hurt),

pulling my fingers out and

smelling,

tasting

if you let me.

Download: Дмитрий Дмитриевич Шостакович (Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich) - Piano Quintet in G minor, Op. 57 - Fugue
Buy the Album: Дмитрий Дмитриевич Шостакович (Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich) - Complete String Quartets

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Seven

exit-deer, date unknown: location unknown

While we wait we stare up at the sky,

we promise each other we won’t look down.

Download: Savina Yannatou - Suppose that You
Buy the Album: Savina Yannatou - Dreams of the Mermaid, Is King Alexander Still Alive?

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Six

An inmate’s correspondence is seen on a floor littered with broken glass and debris.

I’ve been collecting ugly things again, and being arrested by their force.

I’m a simple girl in a world of overwhelming input,

things come at me over and over and over.

It’s always so much,

and really I’d like most just to lay down next to you and feel safe and warm,

and feel your breath against my mouth.

Download: Depeche Mode - A Question of Lust
Buy the Album: Depeche Mode - Black Celebration

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Five

Official Video

This may my very favorite video in so, so long.

It’s everything I remember about being young in the suburbs of los angeles, when it mattered where you were, and knowing you were not nearly close enough.

Sitting on the curb,

acting cool while sharing cigarettes and watching the boys skate through empty midnight parking lots,

being stupid and ridiculous at Denny’s at 2am,

making secret plans and schemes on how to get out,

not understanding how safe those wide, quiet streets were.

We played with everything,
we played at everything,
we didn’t know how to step out into the world without falling down.

(we didn’t know then that it was impossible to be perfect.)

Download: Jeremy Enigk - Mind Idea, Jeremy Enigk - Mind Idea (Live at the Triple Door, Seattle, WA)
Buy the Album: Jeremy Enigk - OK Bear, Thank you, The Internet!!

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Four

James Pomerantz; Mexico, 2009

With my eyes closed the blood comes faster and harder to my lips.

I bite them to try to make it stop.

Sometimes I break skin and then it falls all over my tongue and sometimes also down to my chin.

When it’s very, very fast and hard I wake up with my fists clenched tight,

half-moon marks in my palms,

knuckles tense and uneasy when I try to open up,

when I try to reorient myself to the calm center of my bed.

Download: Beequeen - EE EA EE EA EE EE, EA EE, EAEE, A EE
Buy the Album: Beequeen - Mappa Mundi

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Three

untitled, 航 任; location unknown, 20 april 2010

In my dream you let me trace your hands over and over on my favorite paper,

with my favorite mechanical pencil,

until the lines were thick and dusty with graphite.

I pressed them against my cheeks and then you held your hands over mine so that the heat left their stain on my face.

I asked you to lick my face and make me clean but they stayed put,

not even a smudge.

So we walked out into the world and it was clear, to everyone, how very completely you’ve marked me,

holding me there whether I wanted you to or not.

(+It’sok:beautyalmostalwaysleavesscars.)

Download: Stars of the Lid - Julie Delpy
Buy the Album: Stars of the Lid/Windsor for the Derby Split 7″

Hello and Hi,

First, thank you if you’re still looking at this place. I know it’s been pretty quiet for the last…well, far too long but my hope is that this will change.

Second, regarding comments: I haven’t checked them to be approved in well over a year so now there are so many my browser won’t load them all for me to clear out (because spambots are mad busy and never, ever sleep [we’re talking over 30,000 spam comments, you guys…woops]) soooooooo,

if you’ve sent one in the last ever and ever and were flummoxed as to why I didn’t approve it, I am so sorry. I was not ignoring you, I just never saw it.

At some point I will try to figure out how to resolve this so they can be enabled again but currently my general attitude (towards so, so many things with this comments trauma up towards the top) is “Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it.”

So for now if you do feel like communicating please e-mail me at the address that is in my info.

I apologize in advance to those of you who would prefer anonymous communication but, as Snail would say, dem’s da berries.

Finally, should you have interest in seeing what I have been doing and where my brain has been spilling out for the last long time you can check out my tumblr as there seems no end to the content I can generate there.

So many heartfelt exes and ohs my lips and arms are sore,
Jessica

Let’s Be Very Small, Part Two

apple blossoms; photographer unknown

Today everything was gentle like warm dreams,

I had a halo glowing bright and warm

(right and warm)

and everyone could see.

Download: Tim Buckley - Love From Room 109…, Sing a Song for You
Buy the Album: Tim Buckley - Happy Sad

The Consequences of Acting Out, Part Three

exit-deer, date unknown: location unknown

As the wasp crawled close, he began to blush.

“Oh what fine legs you have. They tickle me lightly.”

oh i waited and waited and waited.

and i’d been thinking of you all day,

so my skin was salty sweet with memory and

pulled just a little bit taut from anticipation.

i am waiting and waiting and waiting to feel that sweet pull again,

the kind that makes me smell necks and bite lips,

waiting with salty sweet anticipation

to be bitten back.

Download: Brian Eno - Golden Hours, Ida - Golden Hours
Buy the Album: Brian Eno - Another Green World, Ida - Ten Small Paces

The Consequences of Acting Out, Part Two

Jordan Smith, date unknown: location unknown

remembering:

(i had no idea how deep the bruise could be then.)

Download: Jolie Holland - Do You
Buy the Album: Jolie Holland - Escondida

The Consequences of Acting Out

Photo portrait of Georgia O’Keeffe by Alfred Stieglitz, 1918: location unknown

(hands.)

there are stops and starts,

i convince myself over and over things are getting so much better.

my heart is beating slower these days.

i am ready to be a nice calm lake.

i am ready for steady hands,

half-lidded eyes,

and a met upturned mouth.

you wouldn’t recognize me, from before.

(regret will never make it worse.)

Download: Julie Doiron - He Will Forget, Again, Again
Buy the Album: Julie Doiron - Will You Still Love Me?

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Ten

we played hide and seek, seattle, wa; 17 july 2010

Say. Speak Mary-words into our pillow. - Anne Sexton

Download: Björk - Sidasta Eg
Buy the Album: Björk - Family Tree

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Nine

Alek Lindus, location unknown, 12 august 2010

“‎It appeared that nobody ever said a thing they meant, or talked of a feeling they felt, but that was what music was for.”

— Virginia Woolf, The Voyage Out

Download: Julee Cruise - Falling
Buy the Album: Julee Cruise - Floating Into the Night

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Eight

perfectly, lapingris; new york, 16 may 2010

(enter text here)

Download: Helium - All The X’s Have Wings, I’ll Get You, I Mean It
Buy the Album: Helium - The Dirt Of Luck, Pirate Prude

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Seven

Carl Sagan’s Cosmos

And you sang

“Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you.”

Download: This Mortal Coil - Song to the Siren
Buy the Album: This Mortal Coil - It’ll End in Tears

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Six

Nick Gentry, Self-Portrait 02, location unknown, 2010

(They say this is the noise that gets made as my life is lived.)

+When a body in motion hits an immovable object somebody’s going to end up with injuries deep and painful to a degree directly related to the velocity and fury with which the body and object collide.

+It’s always when I start to describe things aloud that they begin to disappear.

Download: Loscil - The Making of Grief Point
Buy the Album: Loscil - Endless Falls

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Five

the trick is figuring out how tight to hold on

i needed to do it before i lost any more days.

(i don’t know where i’ve been. i can’t explain what i’ve been doing.)

+ keep me still for my own good

Download: Six Twilights - Scarf, Bed
Buy the Album: Self-Titled

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Four

Rebecca Belmore, location unknown; date unknown.

And now the only thing that settles me down enough to be able to fall asleep is wrapping my whole head up tight

I leave a small space for my nostrils, just enough to breathe

but my whole head is wrapped up tight

and I wrap my arms around my shoulders
and bring my legs up to my chest
and imagine sinking down into the sea and

this calms me

and I can sleep.

Download: Beach House - Heart and Lungs
Buy the Album: Beach House - Self-Titled

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Three

Rochelle Haisley, location unknown; date unknown.

It’s not a case of share and share alike
I take what I require

Download: The Cure - Play for Today
Buy the Album: The Cure - Seventeen Seconds

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Four, Part Two

Weegee: Small Time Hood Andrew Izzo Killed By off-Duty Cop, Broome St, New York City 1942

I can feel it making the places where my seams come together uncomfortable
itchy
almostpainful.

+(There’s something missing.
I’m not unhappy, I spend most of my time smiling.)

There’s a hole,

an empty space.

+(I am still trying to make out the shape,
then I will know what to do.)

Download: Kristin Hersh - Run Letter
Buy the Album: Live at Maxwell’s, Hoboken (Thank you, Internet!)

Let’s Be Very Small, Part One

untitled, warezhka; location unknown, 18 november 2008

If it wasn’t for some accidents then some would never ever learn.

Download: Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Chemistry Class
Buy the Album: Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Armed Forces

I am More than Tone, Part Ten

confessional; seattle, wa 27 june 2009

Last night I dreamt of horses and catching up.

In the middle of the night I woke up because the scarf I tied around my eyes was far too tight, and my eyelids were sore.

This morning the inside of my bottom lip was swollen because I had been biting it all night while I slept.

I don’t know how to better explain what’s going on here.

+oh,don’tcrossyourfingers

+Sayyouweremethenyoucouldseetheview
+You’llknowweareequallydamaged
+Don’tbeafool,makeiteasier
+You’lllearntosaywhen
+Signalifyoucan’tsay,”nomore”

(Don’t cross your fingers
Sundays will never change
They keep on coming
You’ll be a freak
And I’ll keep you company)

Download: Blonde Redhead - Anticipation, Four Damaged Lemons (3rd Eye Remix)
Buy the Album: Blonde Redhead - Misery is a Butterfly, Melodie Citronique

I am More than Tone, Part Nine

i wanna stay here with you forever (porgy); seattle, wa 27 june 2009

it will take days and days and days still to not collect details with the express purpose of giving them to you.

i am starting to write just to myself again

+ on napkins,

+ the backs of receipts

+ in the margins of the quarterly

+ on the soles of my feet

there are pictures of cherry-stained fingertips and lips

handmade postcards

pressed petals

and my scent,

waiting for a home.

Download: Björk & Matmos - Unravel, You’ve Been Flirting Again
Buy the Album: Björk & Matmos - Live in Boston (Thank you, Internet!)

I am More than Tone, Part Eight

lucky rabbit’s foot, rose petals, a koi fish, and krakow; seattle, wa 07 june 2009

hours and hours of lectures and cream-soaked honeyed earl grey tea

my obsession with white flowers reaching a fevered pitch

the family of crows who have taken up residence outside my window arguing at 430am,

coming into my dreams and turning into seagulls and seals,

so then i was dreaming of bobbing along gently on the ocean

tracing small drawings on the back of unopened envelopes

daydreaming of remedios the beauty again,

feeling still

Download: Fryderyk Chopin - Mazurka Opus 17 No 4 in A Minor
Buy the Album: Chopin - 51 Mazurkas

I am More than Tone, Part Seven

seattle, wa, 31 may 2009

It doesn’t matter, does it?

Download: Eluvium - Requiem on Frankfort Ave. / The Promise Ring - Miette
Buy the Album: Eluvium - Copia / The Promise Ring - Horse Latitudes

I am More than Tone, Part Six

Picasso’s Blue Period

Oh,
oh
oh oh oh.

Let us never, ever forget how good Calla was.

(we promise to stay still, we hold onto each other, we reach our hands out and say “please, let’s just lay down here…just for a little while.”)

+ should be, could be you.

(a special post for KHM, who understands.)

Download: Calla - Elsewhere (Live on WNYU Radio), Fear of Fireflies (Live on WNYU Radio)
Buy the Album: Calla - Insound Tour Support Series Vol. 22

I am More than Tone, Part Five

we had an accident; seattle, wa, 07 june 2009

They played this album in full at the cafe this morning.

I was done halfway through the songs,

and really I’d been there for so long already

(I was the first customer of the day, bright and early)

but I sat and just remembered for a long, long time.

I sat and watched the cafe fill up around me and I became untethered,

I was somewhere else.

+ long, hot afternoons in the Bay Area,

+ cold, dark mornings in Iowa

+ midnight basements

+ becoming covered to the wrist in paints, wet colorful fingerprints on tumblers filled with bourbon, blue and grey and green edges to our cigarettes

+ sitting up on fish ranch road with these songs streaming out of the windows while we watched the bridge reach up through the fog

+ laying in bed with 3am voices on the phone, my high, empty apartment ceiling blue from the monitor light

+ sitting in the window, watching the factory across the way fill the dark grey sky with soft white plumes, the only beautiful thing i had seen for weeks.

It took a long time to gather myself and it almost seemed like an accident that I was where I was,

For a moment I got stuck in the cotton candy-like gauze of memory.

Download: PJ Harvey - Beautiful Feeling, Horses in My Dreams
Buy the Album: PJ Harvey - Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea

I am More than Tone, Part Four

Bunny, Brian Boner; location unknown, date unknown

+ what happens when you sleep

+ we collect our small moments where we will

+ my spaces

+ damaged details

+ flowers

+ cold

+ everything dies

+ stolen shots

+ a universe between the petals

+ prurient

+ walking home

+ so sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me

The heat broke and now it is raining again.

My windows are still open and the wind is blowing along with the water falling through the leaves

and the smell and sound of it accompany this song as if they were supposed have been part of the recording.

Download: Windy & Carl - Set Adrift
Buy the Album: Windy & Carl - Depths

Everyone’s So Lonely, I Dig It, Part Eight

Clean Teeth, Dirty Streets, mysaliva; Tibet Road, Shanghai, 12 april 2009

The thing is,

I finally understand now that this isn’t my mess to clean up.

So now I wake up happy and just,

so much lighter every morning.

I am really, really happy, because I remember,

clearly

who I am,

the goodness of my heart,

and the unbelievable strength of my will to see things through.

It’s not my problem now,

none of this is my problem.

Tonight I smell of honey and green tea,

the windows and blinds are open wide letting the almost-summer air in,

the tulips are opening and reaching up to the sky,

and I will lay down in my soft bed,

headphones cupping my ears gently.

I will read my book with pencil in hand to underline and make notes in the margins

(and drawings too)

and I will feel good.

I will feel really, really good.

xoj

Download: Jane’s Addiction - My Time (Live), Rock & Roll (Velvet Underground Cover Live)
Buy the Album: Jane’s Addiction - Self-Titled

Everyone’s So Lonely, I Dig It, Part Eight

I know it’s been such a long time, babies.

I found this old mix and I haven’t been able to lay it down, so I decided to share it.

The funny thing is, I made it at least three or four years ago…

and I’ll be honest and say it may not be the most skillful mix I’ve ever put together,

and it really will take sitting down and listening to it front to back to understand how incredibly MAJOR it is,

but my god, this motherfucker was prescient.

00:00 “Obessions (Edit)” Joe Frank
00:28 “Transmitting Life from Mars” De La Soul
01:35 “The Boogie Man Song” Mos Def
03:56 “I Wanna Get Next to You” Rose Royce
07:44 “Sometime Later” Alpha
14:38 “She is a Rainbow in Curved Air” Acid Mothers Temple and the Melting Paradiso Underground Freak Out
20:15 “Arabesuku” Lily Chou-Chou
26:00 “How Long has this Been Going On?” Ella Fitzgerald
29:13 “Vibrate” Rufus Wainwright
31:56 “Noon Chill” Arto Lindsay
35:22 “I Came to Your Party Dressed as a Shadow” Piano Magic
39:31 “Cocoon” Björk
43:52 “Haunt Me” Arab Strap
49:30 “My Autumn’s Done Come (Lee Hazelwood Cover, Live at KEXP)” Tindersticks
53:35 “Look for Me (I’ll be Around)” Neko Case
56:47 “Since I Fell for You” Nina Simone
59:35 “You’re Still My Baby” Otis Redding

That’s right, I did it - I ended it with Otis.

What.

Download: filling in the spaces, the cover

Everyone’s So Lonely, I Dig It, Part Seven

artist unknown (but clearly completely rad.)

Good morning, Sunshine(s)!

I woke up this morning in the best mood.

You guys, there was a leetel birdie outside my window talking talking talking,

and she had a friend who was talking talking talking back,

they kept chirping the same melody back and forth,

it was like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, with the same tones going back and forth in different voices.

So lovely!

And then I got out of bed and got everything ready for what is bound to be a beautiful, sunny Friday,

and while I was hopping and dancing around my apt,

Amelia hopping and knock-kneed skipping around my sock-feet,

I thought I should share the songs that were making me so happy.

I don’t know, doods, sometimes you just wake up and all the right angles are set correctly against each other.

Download: Pee - San Salvador / Henry’s Dress - Jimmy / Holiday - Gent / Unrest - Winona Ryder (XX Version) / The Smiths - Rusholme Ruffians / Felt - Down But Not Yet Out
Buy the Album: Pee - Now! More Charm and More Tender / Henry’s Dress - Bust ‘em Green / Holiday - Ready, Steady, Go! / Unrest - B.P.M. 1991-1994 / The Smiths - Meat is Murder / Felt - Forever Breathes the Lonely Word