connexion: the selector

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Three, Part Five

returns

I remember driving through twisting passes, these songs the only thing close to me.

Great landscape-painting-style wide open blue sky above me,

and memorizing license plates for fun, re-arranging the numbers and letters to write poems,

like we used to do with boggle collections,

and found notes at school.

I remember standing on the curb at the airport, hands shoved deep in my pockets, my scarf wrapped around half my face just so I could feel safe again, looking up to watch the planes and pretend for a little while more.

Making plans on how best to become small again, thinking about how to just crawl back inside the only thing that doesn’t make me feel like I am unraveling.

Anything, anything, anything to keep from thinking about what’s crushing my chest in.

I don’t know why I can’t get that feeling off of my skin;

I mean, I do

but I can’t say it aloud.

I just don’t want to say it aloud.

Download: Innocence Mission - Where Does the Time Go, Snow, Happy, the End, Green Grass, Red Tree
Buy the Album: Innocence Mission - Birds of My Neighborhood, Glow

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Three, Part Four

shock (heart deep, spine twisted) jonathan barcan–private photo, september 2008

i tried to call everyone i know.

twice.

first for the horrible thing that happened.

second, for being alone afterwards, and why.

no one answered.

and then i laughed at myself,

for being so stupid.

i’m alone tonight–and i am going to think long and hard about why.

+++it’s absolutely me.

Download: Colleen - I Was Deep in a Dream and I didn’t Know It, Petite Fluer
Buy the Album: Colleen - Everyone Alive Wants Answers, Mort aux Vaches

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Three, Part Three

scarred (indelible ink), jb; somewhere else, many, many times

i author my own disaster,

i am responsible for it all.

like a car crash,

or fists into lips (with teeth behind them)

wrists twisting until they are burned

necks forced all the way around,

or skin turning inside out.

like words i can’t push back into my mouth

+deep into my throat,

++deeper into my chest

no matter how much i wish i could.

Download: Symphony No. 7 in A Major: 2. Allegretto
Buy the Album: Nine Symphonies

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Three, Part Two

see what you’ve done; georgie greville at the selby, 24 june 2008

it’s not the physical distance that hurts as much as the distance when i know things just aren’t right and i don’t know why.

+you and no one else. no one else can.

Download: Box Five - Doctrines (Solo Version)
Buy the Album: Box Five - fen

I Author My Own Disaster, Volume Three, Part One

the pillow book; peter greenaway, 1997

I am waiting for you.

Meet me in the library–

any library,

every library.

–Jerome to Nagiko

++-+(the mind’s divisive, but the heart knows better, [dear] heart.)

Download: David Sylvian - The Heart Knows Better (Remixed by Billy Pilgram), A Fire in the Forest (Remixed by Readymade FC)
Buy the Album: David Sylvian - The Good Son vs The Only Daughter