connexion: the selector

Oneiric Morse Code Transmission, Part Eleven (This will go on Ad Infinitum)

an ocean of, seattle, wa; 06 october 2004

I had to secretly measure my breath and steady myself throughout the day.

It’s not that I was ill so much as I was on edge.

Again, at any rate:

+Today on the way to work there was an ocean in the sky

+I’ve been wrestling with intense dreams that feel like paint thrown across my internal canvas–lots of things to write down, put in the correct

x/y axis

and catalogue

+++I know things that I keep

+++//collected//,

+++written on skin.

+++Push my sleeve up: I dare you.

+It snowed today, so I got to play with the winter bees again, in secret, on my lips

where everyone could see

+The sky turned itself inside out for the drive home, and I got to walk around my neighborhood in the sun

The colors are intensely bright these days, and I find myself filling up whole tiny flip books when no one’s looking.

I always tear them up,

page by page;

I always throw them away.

And you know, it’s not for catharsis

(I have very little need for that, you see);

it’s merely because I have a refined sense of what’s worth tossing aside,

and what’s worth keeping for later.

(unrelatedly: i think i might have a new(ish?) visitor here who knows me in my waking life.

Hello, hi!: don’t be nervous.

if there was a single person,

from that place

that i’d show this to, it’d probably be you.

no special reason, really, other than i don’t think you’d hold it against me.

but i could be wrong, i suppose.)

Download: Mad Professor & Massive Attack - Radiation Ruling the Nation
Buy the Album: Mad Professor & Massive Attack - No Protection

Søren Kierkegaard’s Existential Dialectic (or: Søren Kierkegaard’s Disdain for the Aesthetic Life), Part Two

street art: face masks by 200ok via flickr, brisbane, australia; november 2006

That was my big try.

Swung as hard as I could and completely missed the ball,

and found myself spinning next to the plate before I just fell down onto my back;

but as I was down there, steadying myself while inhaling the chalk and dust,

I noticed the sea-color of the sky,

and the animals and faces in the clouds.

Download: Arthur Russell / Jens Lekman (And just for good measure, in case you’ve ever wondered what the night was like here.)
Buy the Album: Arthur Russell - Another Thought / Various Artists - Four Songs by Arthur Russell

Søren Kierkegaard’s Existential Dialectic (or: Søren Kierkegaard’s Disdain for the Aesthetic Life), Part One

fuco ueda; date unknown

Radio silence? Of course I understand.

(come on.)

I am what I am

.

You are what you are

.

I mean, really: Of course I understand.

At any rate:

from desire i rush to satisfaction

but from satisfaction, i leap to desire.
-Goethe’s Faust

Download: Thom Yorke (Live at the Bridge School Benefit, Some Year) - Sail to the Moon, Like Spinning Plates, Pyramid Song
Buy the Album: Thanks, Internet.

Artificial Sunlight Series, Part Four

50% mine (but also ye rin mok’s and timothy bieniosek’s…so, you know.), martinez, ca & seattle, wa; dates unknown (or, frankly, lost)

Last night was the first in weeks that I got more than a few hours sleep.

I’ve done my duty and painted my nails proper,

And so! Though I have run out of sea salt (and frankly, I am thisclose to running to the kwik-e-mart to appropriate their criminally over-priced tiny package of s-s), I have honey bubble bath and monyette paris perfume oil besides,

and I think that would make a very workable bath.

Because I’ll tell you what:

Baths are really the only thing I’m seriously interested in these days.

My priorities are fuckin’ straight as an arrow, babies.

Download: Charlatans - The Only One I Know / The Stone Roses - Love Spreads (When this came out I thought it was just this side of bullshit, but I’ve been recently converted. This song’s fucking genius.)/ Primal Scream - Come Together
Buy the Album: Charlatans - Some Friendly / The Stone Roses - Second Coming / Primal Scream - Screamadelica

Oneiric Morse Code Transmission, Part Ten

33% mine, los angeles ca; 01 may 2007 & dates unknown

For the first time during this good weekend I am quiet and unsure as to what to say.

I think probably the right thing to say is nothing.

But that won’t stop me from posting the Sonata that saved me tonight, or from hoping that it might get through.

There is someone out there who understands the force of this, and though I may never make contact, it’s enough for me to offer it up.

Because I know that they are there.

Download: Yehudi Menuhin - BMV 1003: Sonata no.2 in A Minor
Buy the Album: Yehudi Menuhin - Bach: Violin Sonatas

No Name Series, vUnknown Part Unknown

remembered as, seattle; wa 14 march 2008

Today two great things happened:

1) Driving back into my parking lot the opposite way I saw someone painted, so very carefully, a molar onto the trash bin.

2) Someone in my building succumbed to the ultimate romantic cheesiness and set out a trail of rose petals from the back door to their apt door. It was fucking brilliant, to know that people still lay themselves out like that.

Bravo, lady or man, who doesn’t give a fuck other than to let the person who you’ve gone mad for know that you’ve gone mad for them.

I smiled a wide fruit mouth smile all the way from the back door to my apt door, even though it wasn’t meant for me. It didn’t matter.

Alternately:

I was mashed, once again, against the wall on which it is written that the things that people (often) find most beautiful about me are the things I (often) wish weren’t the case about me.

(this is most probably my problem to sort out and get right with, but still…)

The thing they don’t understand is that these are exactly the things that set me apart (in [often] a painful way) and leave me wondering why I am so keen to find someone who makes me feel just the slightest bit uncomfortable to spend so much time by myself.

I mean, just, you know.

It’d be nice to feel itchy about that–to have it feel not so incredibly comfortable.

(but yeah, you know, “hey slow Jane, make some sense; Slow, slow Jane, cross the fence…hey slow Jane, live your lie; Slow, slow Jane, fly on by” and all that.)

Lastly, I am so interested in something disorienting,

so long as it’s real, and so long as it means even the smallest thing

(to either of us).

But you know what else?

After my doctor’s appointment today, when I was waiting at the pharmacist, I bought a new shade of lip gloss,

and tonight I took what was probably the best bath of my life,

and I’ll be rolling around in bed soon smelling from top to toe of coconut, and gardenia, and even the slightest (and therefore perfect) hint of cream,

and in the morning I’ll probably bury my face in my newly set pillow cases and inhale nothing but everything about me,

and for better or worse I can guarantee you this:

In my half awake early Saturday morning negotiation of accepting a new day that fact alone will get me out of bed.

And, really, how many people can claim to be so easy?

Download: Aimee Mann - Save Me / Scott Appel - Hazey Jane I
Buy the Album: Various Artists - Magnolia Soundtrack / Various Artists - Brittle Days: A Tribute to Nick Drake

No Name Series, vUnknown Part Unknown

it’s ok that it’s every night; seattle, wa 09 march 2008

I don’t mind letting you in.

For now.

(After all, I tell you all manner of ugly things about me, and you don’t even blink.)

I like you most because you always bring me the most genius:

Download: Child Rebel Soldiers - Us Placers
Buy the Album: Kanye West - Can’t Tell Me Nothing

Oneiric Morse Code Transmission, Part Nine

focus, refocus (redux), seattle, wa; 09 march 2008

The tulips have mistaken the light bulb for the sun.

I completely understand how that feels.

Download: Nacho Vegas - La Ley Del Feriante / Juno - A Listening Ear / Yehudi Menuhin - Partita for Solo Violin No.1 in B Minor Corrente - Double (Presto)
Buy the Album: Various Artists - Acuarela Songs / Juno - This is the Way it Goes & Goes & Goes / Yehudi Menuhin - Bach: Sonates et Partitas