Songs for Self-Obsession Served with Fever-Flavored Tea, Part Five
jan von holloben
I think I have spent so many holidays by myself by now that it doesn’t even sting anymore. It’s nice to have the day off from work, I guess.
It’s really been too warm today so I spent a good portion of the day lying on my bed because that’s the way the window fan points. The windows and blinds have been open for 3 days straight now. I dry off and get into my clothes in the bathroom, because I am not that kind of exhibitionist.
I’ve also had an unbelievably terrible summer flu for almost two weeks now. A week ago I passed out at work and so I went home early, because everything had become the sea to me. I still have a painful, wet cough, and I don’t think my internal temperature controls are working correctly. I feel like my skin is too dry, and that I might start to break apart.
I’ve also had a piece of glass stuck in my left foot for almost a week now. I’m sure that’s a metaphor for something.
After hours in bed, watching shadows on the wall through my knees and thinking over and over again that I really should be doing something productive like cleaning because niki will be here in two days, I sat here at my computer and watched Four Eyed Monsters, which I liked quite a bit. I like that you can watch the whole thing online. I like that the shape of how we communicate is changing, has changed, and that we are really starting to see the fruits of that.
I spent a lot of time today thinking about how we want to be close to someone, and we are all scared to actually do it. When I get scared, I tend to open myself up even wider, pull them close to me even tighter, try to lay everything on the table for examination, and it’s all probably too soon and too much.
I think I do this because, well, I don’t know any other way, and also because I feel things, all things, so intensely. I know, I have been told by people who are close to me and know me best, that it is a lot, and it might be scary to someone who doesn’t feel things with the same intensity. They may fear that my whole world is falling apart or exploding when for me, hey it’s Tuesday. But I don’t know how not to be this way, and also I think there’s part of me that wants it out right away, for everyone to see, because I hate surprises and I don’t want to hide anything. I am just not that person.
But also,
I want desperately to be overwhelmed by someone, to fall in all the way, and I don’t have the same controls that a lot of other people do that would help my timing and my execution. I rarely do anything half way and though it’s all with good intentions and I only want to give care and affection, I think I will have a hard time finding someone who can push back against me with the same force, and this means even though I never mean to I can talk right over them, or push them away by holding them too tight, or just scare the living daylights out of them because I am Real.
And it’s hard to believe, and it’s hot to the touch, and it can take a lot out of someone, and I am just starting to understand.
Download: Aidan Baker - The Sea Swells a Bit
Buy the Album: Aidan Baker - The Sea Swells a Bit
