connexion: the selector

I can be careless.

I have been staying up all night alone even though I know that this brings the darkness down quicker.

I discovered today that I was hanging onto something so tightly that, upon reflection, I don’t really need.

To consciously let go is a liberating act.

I feel so empty inside, and sore, but you’d be surprised how good that feels.

Download: Dick Annegarn - Coutances
Buy the Album: The Science of Sleep

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Ain’t No Sunshine

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Bill Withers :: Greatest Hits

Camphone pic from the hospital bed, 20 Sept 2006

I only got really sad or scared when I realized I forgot to call my brother one last time.

That was the only time I cried.

Download: 10,000 Maniacs - Verdi Cries
Buy the Album: 10,000 - In My Tribe

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How It Ends

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Devotchka :: How It Ends

You are too far away and I wish I was there holding your hand, brushing the stray curls from your brow. There is so much love all around you, you must know this. Ta bonne soeur left me a message that made me sigh relief, and now I am thinking about you, knowing that it must have been so scary, and that you are so brave. You are so brave.

I am dedicating all goodness to you tonight, Jessica.
I love you.

LISTEN
A Lily :: I Am To You

PURCHASE
A Lily’s Wake:Sleep - available through iTunes

Tormented By Blue, Aaron Drew

Sometimes things feel so dislodged and buzzing that the very matter of me seems to defy gravity.
A melting- but not a rooted, earth-bound melting.
Sometimes I listen to encourage this. Sometimes I look to encourage this.
Sometimes I want to lie on the floor of the gallery and stare into the vastness of Aaron’s prints, with headphones on.
I have yet to indulge myself of this. Fear, mostly.
But isn’t that why I love this artwork, why I love this music? For that skyward feeling that is a letting up of the pressure?

Maybe next week you’ll find me lying on the gallery floor. Melting.

john derian

Now I don’t even know what to say to you anymore.

But I miss being able to say hi.

Download: The Microphones - I Felt Your Shape
Buy the Album: The Microphones - Glow Pt. 2

The Things That Make My Heart Beat Faster, Part Five

Today was soft as my hands, and everything became clean.

I spent a lot of time watching the light come through the leaves; I can feel autumn now, right under my skin.

And as the leaves grew darker and the shadows on my wall became long, I realized how much time I’ve spent with my mouth shut, and my eyes open, with my earbuds placed snugly in their docks.

How this nourishes me.

Even as it holds me at arm’s length from the world, it nourishes me.

Today was soundtracked, my friends. It was soundtracked.

Download: Helios - Paper Tiger, First Dream Called Ocean / Logreybeam - Opiate of the Masses
Buy the Album: Helios - Eignya / Logreybeam - It’s All Just Another Aspect of Mannerism

The Things That Make My Heart Beat Faster, Part Four

photo courtesy of perri

Yesterday, I got the facial to end all facials. Not only is my skin glowing but my technician was so attentive and gave me such amazing massages–that’s right massages–during my session that midway through I started to worry that I had somehow scheduled the super-duper deluxe-o panty-peeler facial and forgot and then started juggling around figures in my head to somehow be able to fit it into my budget but then

it got just so damned good that I just relaxed and decided that if I had to skip a few or five meals between then and Friday that it would be worth it.

I was so relaxed when it was over that I almost fell down to the floor when I slipped off the table to get dressed.

I was barely able to make intelligible speech when I paid my bill.

I almost steered my car into a parking garage wall on my way out.

And then

well then.

Then this song came on while I was driving home and

my heart started to skip and pirouette and

my eyes went out of focus and rolled back into my head with full eyelid nitrous oxide flutters and

I could feel my breathing become shallow like halos reflected in puddles and

I could feel the apples of my cheeks become covered in flashing tree-branch shadows as the sun slipped between the obstacles flying by my car window and

it was only by the grace of luck that I didn’t wreck my car.

It was so beautiful and overwhelming that I pulled my car over and started the song over just to see if the second time would cause my heart to come crashing through my chest and out into the world and

this time I gave myself over to it completely and

it was even better than the first time and

I bit my lip to almost bleeding because of the pleasure of it all and

I am not ashamed to admit that by the end there were tears lining my face, down along my throat, down into my shirt,

almost secret

and I realized that what this song feels like to me is

a certainty that I am re-emerging into the world.

And realization that I am finally, after so many years, on my way to

Becoming.

Download: Cocteau Twins - An Elan
Buy the Album: Cocteau Twins - Lullabies to Violaine

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music by知名定男・嘉味田美津子. (doh, i can read their last names.) from Ryuku Rare Groove

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Songs for Slow Mending, Part Two

Image: Only Yesterday by Isao Takahata [1991].

Tonight, I fell asleep while laying in front of the oscillating fan, trying to cool down.

This image is what I dreamt of, and when I woke up I was disappointed to be on my bed and not in the air.

Download: Takagi Masakatsu - Opus Pia, And Then…
Buy the Album: Takagi Masakatsu - Opus Pia

Songs for Slow Mending, Part One

Today, I was fortunate to have a friend who cared enough to try to help me scotch tape my heart back together.

Sekrit Twin these songs are for you, with my secret bruises and invisible injuries, crooked haiku sutures and limp-legged dances, you are a good guardian for my delicate paper heart.

You make me better, thank you, I love you.

Download: Innocence Mission - Small Planes (Live), Going Away, Somewhere a Star Shines for Everyone
Buy the Album: I can’t remember where I got the live track, so unfortunately I cannot help you there, Birds of My Neighborhood, Now the Day is Over

image from the Lively Little Rabbit by Ariane, illustrated by Gustaf Tenggren.

listen to wonderful music of Billy May & Dr. Samuel J. Hoffman

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The Things That Make My Heart Beat Faster, Falling Down, Part Three

Fu-ko Ueda

I have been struggling with sleep lately. When I do sleep, my dreams have been uncharacteristically disjointed and uncomfortable and violent, and I can’t figure out why. I have been feeling crazier than usual, far more disconnected from the world, far less capable of speaking or acting or effecting any change on myself or my environment.

Today at work I got the distinct impression that everyone in the room had a pointed dislike for me. I felt awful and crazy and paranoid.

Then a sharp wave of dizziness hit me and inside I fell under the surface of the ocean until I settled safely on the cool, quiet, sandy floor. In my head, I spent a good long time there, watching the rest of what was going on from my vantage point under the sea.

I tried, unsuccessfully, to convince myself my bad feelings were imagined, all in my head, everything was ok.

But my internal cheerleading didn’t work, and I hid there, curled up on the ocean floor, licking my wounds until I went home.

And now, reviewing everything, I can’t figure out if the people I am working with really do hate me, or if I was just making myself uncomfortable and crazy. I can’t reason out what was real,

except for the dizziness and the

sadness and the distinct feeling that

there was a world of atmosphere separating me and everyone else.

I sometimes get lost there, in the space between me and the rest of

everything.

Download: Four Tet - And They All Look Broken Hearted
Buy the Album: Four Tet - Rounds